Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
