Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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