Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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