A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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