Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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