i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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