I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
