He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
my poor anus
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
