I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
