I am in a vortex of obligation.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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