I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
