Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
