The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
