And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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