she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
