Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
