You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
your room smells of hookers.
And success
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
