So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize