I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
