I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
