I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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