I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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