Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
