If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
