i don't like sucking hair
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
