Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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