you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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