Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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