I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
