If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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