woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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