I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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