why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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