I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize