dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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