i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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