she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
