I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Did I show you my penis last night?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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