I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I need moral support for this bender
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
