The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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