you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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