i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
