laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
