Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
