she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
