Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
