and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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