just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
