If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I faked an abortion last night.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
