I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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