you traded sex for a burrito?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
