I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We had to coat check the pizza.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
