As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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