I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
