Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize