My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
