Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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