it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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