I faked an abortion last night.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
