well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
