Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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