some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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