I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize