I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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