Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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