if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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